I don’t normally write love letters to honorable men, but you guys, the Niger Delta Avengers, are a special breed. I don’t know how to put into words, the thank you you deserve by your patriotic gesture of safeguarding the Nigerian oil pipelines and wells without any contract. You guys have shown the Nigerian government a shortcut to economic development by pointing your explosives and other sophisticated weapons on Nigeria’s oil pipelines. And you can see how delighted President Buhari is in Abuja knowing that his headache on how to tackle the economic downturn in the country will soon be over.
I am deeply in love with you guys, especially for speedily helping President Buhari actualize his “promise” of making a dollar equal to a Naira. Our Hard currency Naira makes some significant again against the American Dollar with each explosion-BOOM! As more oil pipelines are busted, the price of crude oil keeps recovering in the international market and our revenue from crude oil is soaring. When you are done with the pipelines in the creeks of Niger Delta, the Nigerian government will for sure urge you to expand your ‘BOOM! Services’ to oil installations inland.
Another good reason why I fell in love with your gallant actions is that the power generation capacity of the country has been on the increase since you started ‘taking care’ of the oil pipelines. Small business owners have sold all their generators and the cost of doing business in Nigeria is now awesome. As a result, our economy has been attracting investment and we have the fastest growing GPD among failed States. Nigerians can now boost of close to 24 hours of power supply a day, thanks to your good job. Fashola has even gone on vacation as we plan to start selling excess power to neighboring countries next month.
With each explosion, Ken Saro-Wiwa’s heart will be delighted that at last, a group of selfless activists fighting for environmental justice is born. By bombing these pipelines, you are saving the environment from degradation of pollution from activities of oil exploration and exploitation. Forget about the ‘mago-mago’ at Ogoniland the other day. As the crude oil leaks into the creeks and farmland of Niger Delta, fish production increases. Local farmers are also delighted as the oil spill into their farms and improves harvest. All these will guarantee employment and wealth for your impoverished people.
So, bravo Niger Delta Avengers! On behalf of Nigerians, I am encouraging you to keep doing the good work. Don’t mind the Jonathanians- those ungrateful APC members that have been stealing our resources. You lit series of fires, and smoke billowed into the night sky – the result of the combination of explosives and ‘weed’. You watch the pipelines began to take a new face, a beautiful new shape. Smoke got into your lungs, caused you to cough, but it delighted your innocent hearts.
You have learnt that the best way to keep the Nigerian military away from your door mouth is by bombing oil pipelines. By these bombings, you have instilled fear in the Nigerian military and they have steered clear of the Niger Delta creeks. I heard your communities are singing your praises and challenging the Nigerian Army to attempt another Odi, so that you guys can show them ‘pepper’.
What better way to actualize resource control than by blowing up the resources. Very soon, your boy Dickson will reward you handsomely for helping him clear the arrears of wages of civil servants. Even Goodluck Ebele Jonathan will bounce back and contest for 2019 Presidential election at the back of your good work. Already, President Buhari is begging him to go to the creeks and talk to his “boys” before he will relinquish power.
I heard the Chief of Army Staff say that negotiation with you, ALMIGHTY Avengers is not an option. How dare him! After all the successes you have recorded in just few weeks, I am puzzled that the ineffective Nigerian Army has not deemed it fit to seek your services in clearing Sambasi Forest. Forget about the chicken Tompolo that went in exile. What is urgently needed now is a convergence in interest of like minds. Consider recruiting and training OPC, IPOB and MOSSOB. You guys should team up and help salvage Nigeria by looking for additional targets to destroy.
You should for instance, help IPOB target the oil wells in Imo and Abia States so that their 13% revenue derivation accruing to the States will increase. Since these two States have been paying their workers’ salaries regularly, they will use the additional revenue to start free meal program for IPOB members as a way of keeping them out of our streets. Do this to gladden my heart my love.
What else will be the target for IPOB? Eh-e-m, eh-e-m, the Niger Bridge. Yes, destroying the Niger Bridge will help Southeastern especially the traders at Onitsha and Aba speedily bring in their goods from Lagos by walking across River Niger. They are the Jews of Nigeria and like Jesus Christ should easily walk across the sea. Oh, sorry I forgot to add, bombing the bridge will finally cut them off from the zoo and sovereign State of Biafra will be actualized much quicker.
Did I hear Gani Adams say that he can’t continue to fight for the Yorubas? No Gani, you must fight for the Yorubas. The OPC should lay claim to the Ports in Lagos. They should demand 70% of all the revenues accruing from import duties. If the government fails to comply, they should start bombing ships as a way to drive up revenues. The more ships they bomb, the more Nigerians will bring in consignments and our revenue will also soar.
I will take a bow at this point, as a mark of final salute to you, our gallant militants that are doing everything to save Nigeria from destruction. I will pass your message to the Nigerian masses who are excited about how you guys are succeeding in lifting the entire nation out of poverty. The Jonathanians can keep complaining on how you guys are sabotaging Buhari’s government. The APC members don’t give a damn!
BOOM! BOOM!! BOOM!!! It’s the tip of the iceberg. I heard that the big one – surface-to-Air missile is next. Please don’t turn the coffee maker off; we all need you guys to salvage the Nigerian economy as quickly as possible. So, thank You Niger Delta Avengers, keep bombing until “1 Dollar = 1 Naira”.
Feel free to get in touch with me if you need to contact IPO and MOSSOB. I remain their undisputed, unofficial but paid advocate and spokesperson.
With love and support,
You can email Churchill at Churchill.email@example.com or follow him on Twitter @churchillnnobi