Antonio Conte has been sacked by Chelsea after a turbulent start to the new season. The Italian won the Premier League at the first time of asking in May, but had grown critical of the club’s lack of transfer activity.


“It’s disappointing,” the former Juventus manager told Soccer on Sunday. “I met with Mr Abramovich on his yacht and gave him my opinion that he is a tight-fisted shitebag. I guess he was taken aback, because he pulled out a gun and shot Vitali the translator in the face. That made me a bit uncomfortable. Especially when his goons were scooping bits of brain and eyeball out of my tea.”

“But we had a frank discussion,” added Conte. “It was hard to talk above the sound of a body being chainsawed into quarters and stuffed into a barrel of acid. We agreed to end our partnership, but it was very polite. Mr Abramovich was a perfect gentleman, if you don’t count murdering Vitali.”


José Mourinho believes that his former boss made the right decision.

“Vitali had it coming,” the two-time Chelsea manager told Soccer on Sunday. “I remember once complimenting Mr Abramovich’s wife on her earrings. In Russian, Vitali somehow turned that into ‘You are a big fat whore with saggy tits.’ Terry and Lamps had to beg Mr Abramovich not to feed me to his giant lizard, Ivan Komodo Drago.”

“Do I feel bad for Vitali’s widow and six children?” added Mourinho. “Yes. But was Mr Abramovich wrong to shoot him in the face? It’s not my place to judge.”